Monday, May 3, 2010
Trouble going
I know that I used to post so regularly. And a lot of it was real and honest at the moment that it was written. And now I'm faced with the daunting task of reviewing and possibly rewriting many of my entries. We want this blog to reflect everything in the best light. I want to use this blog to encourage the acceptance of psych dogs into main stream society. I'm a guinea pig but I want it to become real and legit. I want to help it become something that is supported by government and society at large. There is so many hopes that I have for this topic. But I'm having trouble writing because I'm scared that I'm going to write it wrong. I don't want to have to go back anymore after this and rewrite stuff. To change my original words. My brain and heart feel different now then they did when the incident happened. What if I can't remember it correctly? What if in rewriting it, I change or destroy the impact that the day had on me? This is about my growth as well as Page's journey. I feel paralyzed. The fear of destroying keeps me from rewriting and the fear of being told that what I wrote isn't in the best light keeps me from portraying our new challenges and accomplishments. These are supposed to be my words and I feel like they are being doctored. I understand why they need to be doctored but I don't want to. I want to tell the truth as I see it. And I want to document the way I see the truth on that day. Some days my truth is very skewed from reality. I want to show this because I think it is being true about my mental illness.
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2 comments:
So what if it's not the best light. Life isn't pretty. Deep breathe and let go of your fears. You know in your heart what the right thing to do is. This is your life, not an ad campaign. People are much less likely to believe the whole sunshine and roses story unless it's tempered with struggle. It's what makes us real.
I wouldn't change a word. You are showing so much growth in each entry, and I think that is really what you need to portray in this. You may see it as cause for concern, and I know you want to show that psych dogs are a good thing and you are worried about making Page look bad, but the truth of the matter is she is learning a job, you are managing an illness and the two things are not mutually exclusive- you are growing together. That growth and experience and the new things you are learning together are what show your progress and show what a good thing a psych dog can be. You are an excellent advocate for building more understanding for mental illness and those who live with it and the more honesty and truth you share your story with, the more help it will be in breaking down barriers.
I would love to hear more about how you experience being bipolar, how you see the world and how it has or does limit you or how you feel it does or could. I also want to hear more about how you over come these things, things you thought you never could do but are starting to be able to do, and how you got there.
I am currently working on a paper for my psychiatric and mental health nursing- it's about stigma and mental illness and I am focusing it on to bipolar disorder and young women. I am hoping you won't mind if I quote some of your entries in my paper- your blog will be referenced, but I won't use your real name. I will even give you a copy after if you like.
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