3-in-1

To try and save the poor publish button in blogger, I've decided to put 3 posts together into this one. I don't think any one of them is very big.

Coming out

On Wednesday in my human sexuality class we had a number of guest speakers come in. One of whom was a gay guy who described his process of coming out. First he had to come out to himself. Realize that he liked other guys and that it was okay. Then he had to come out to his family and friends, those who were close to him. He told him Mom first and she wasn't surprised. But it was a nerve racking experience for him. He promised himself he would do it before he went back to school at the end of summer that year. On the very last day before school started, he told his Mom as they were driving home from a lunch date. And, last but not least, he came out publicly. Now he lives as an openly gay man. He holds his partner's hand while on the street and doesn't care who sees. I admire his courage and self confidence.

As he's telling this story, I realized that it isn't that different than my bp journey.

First I had to come to acceptance of it myself. This took a long time. There was figuring out what it meant, that it's not going to go away, that I'm probably going to be on meds for the rest of my life, and so on. I'm still in this stage. Now I'm learning what the symptoms are and how they may truely affect my life. Prior to now, I always saw it as "take the meds and I'll be normal". I would have a bad day and I would get so frustrated that I wasn't being 'normal'. Now, through talking with mental health professionals, I'm realizing that there are going to be good days and bad days - lately more bad then good but mostly due to side effects - and that I was going to have to actually, actively reach out to my support network to make it through these days.

Second, I came out to my friends and family. They have all known since the diagnosis but it's only recently that any of them are really reaching out to understand and accept what this means for me, and for them by extension. The questions have been outstanding. The love has been huge. Only as this happened, have I realized that I was hiding part of who I was from everybody I loved. It feels so good to be open with them now.

Third, I'm coming out publicly. This step is just starting for me. The biggest jump in this direction is going to be hitting the streets with Paige in her vest. I can't wait. I know that there are going to be a lot of questions from everybody we meet but I'm ready for them, I think. I want to do public speaking in the future to educate people on what mental illness really is and that it isn't the end of life for any of us when we get diagnoised. I'm not going to be ashamed that I'm bipolar any more than that I have brown hair. I'm not going to let the stigma get to me. I'm ill so I shouldn't be able to achieve anything. Wrong. I am powerful. Hear me roar. And I'm going to roar just a little bit louder when Paige is at my side. I can't wait.

Follow the leader

I've found another task that Paige can help me in. She can act as my sometimes guide dog. Lately, my meds have made me really dizzy with blinding headaches. The other night I had a headache and the ground wouldn't stay still under me but I had to take Paige out anyway. So out we went. I was trying to watch where I was going but I was still stumbling side to side a little bit as my sense of balance rolled around. Paige took action. She walked out in front of me so that her leash was tight and took the lead. Not in a dominate, "we're going this way" type of thing. More as in a "Mom, follow me and I'll keep you safe". I was able to relax and let my vision go a little bit fuzzy and knew I was going to be safe in doing so. After that, my headache relaxed some and my stress level dropped significantly and we really enjoyed our walk. Paige kept me safe, although I had to still watch for cars, curbs and such, and got us home easily. Good girl.

Please pick

I'm trying to figure out what to do with Paige's vest. This is the vest currently. The "white" strip at the bottom is a light reflective material. It reflected the camera flash. This is one side of the vest. The other is identical.

I'm thinking that I will replace the "In Training" rockers with "Service Dog" rockers when she's done training.

I wanted some opinions as to what I should put on the back of the vest. These are the two badges that I've been thinking about: (there is only room for one of these options)

Which do you think would be more effective in a public relations fashion? Thanks for the input. (Even those who aren't officially listed as followers should leave me a comment on this one)

And one quick update:

I saw my doctor yesterday. He thinks we may have pushed the stabilizer a little bit too high since my moods are feeling dead and I'm getting such bad side effects. He also agreed when I asked if I should see a psychiatrist. He gave me phone numbers to a couple of the local intake clinics. I'm hoping that I can get in quickly because I'm as sick of the dizziness now as I was of the mood swings.

Thank you for making it to the end of this post. 3-in-1 is actually kind of long