Rewriting

Hi all,

It has been pointed out to me that some of my previous posts have cast Page in a bad light. I have been projecting a lot of what has been going on inside of me onto her and that's not fair. I have made her look like a crazy dog that shouldn't be placed with anybody, let alone somebody who is going to need help from a calm, loving companion.

Because of this, I'm going to be rewriting a number of my posts over the next little while. I want to show what a wonder Page is. How well behaved she is. That she is totally full of tail wags and doggy smiles. She does need some work, but any dog we pick is going to need work in some area or another.

Rewriting is going to allow me to keep this blog for advocacy. I'm going to document Page's journey and my journey still, but I'm going to try to keep them somewhat separated. (eg. This and this happened. It made me feel like this. - the facts and then the opinion or internal stuff, completely separated.)

Wish me luck, this is going to take some work.

Page's very busy weekend

(Guess what: Another post from work.)

Page's first weekend with us was super eventful for her. But she handled most of it great.

Friday night Page and I just stayed home. I had to work during the day on Friday and my plans for the evening fell through. My friend had big, scary exams this week that she needed to prep for so I didn't take Page over there as planned. Nick went out with one of his friends but didn't stay out too long. He came home having a lot of trouble breathing. He had a reaction to the fog machine that was at the event.

Saturday:
We helped a friend move during the day. She broke up with her boyfriend and it was a very emotional event for her. Every time Page saw her, she went right up to her and was full of kisses, hugs and tail wags. I had Page with me upstairs while I was packing the last of her clothing and such. I put Page in a down-stay out of the way and she stayed there. She even stayed there when I went downstairs to find another box. I was amazed, thrilled, and so proud of her. When we got to the house that we were unloading at, the resident dog decided that he didn't want to be polite. He is known to not have the best dog manners. So he got tied up in the kitchen and I kept Page with me on a waist leash. (Everybody: get one of these) She followed me up and down the stairs so many times. And she never pushed or pulled or anything. Again, so proud. After a little bit, the resident dog started to whine so that he could help too. He saw Page having such a good time following me around. So they let him off and he was well behaved.

We headed home to change. We had a party to go to in the evening. We got home and Page passed right out. She was done. And 45 minutes later, we packed her back into the car for the evening.

We went to the party really early. I wanted to give Page a chance to adjust to the house prior to the people showing up. Plus, our friend is always stressed when he throws a party and needs help with the preparations just to feel calmer. Page was an angle for most of the evening. She's still new so most is a great answer. Again, she was on waist lead all evening. I didn't know how she would respond so I wanted to keep her with me. I think that this helped our bonding hugely. After that evening, she will sit quickly the first time I ask. Admittedly, we did practice it a lot. Everybody wanted to meet Page. She is too pretty for her own good. But she had me talking to complete strangers. Most of the topics were Page, dogs in general, or service dogs. But I was introducing myself to people and wasn't right beside Nick the whole evening. The size of this accomplishment is still just dawning on me.

Sunday:
I broke again. Even when I wasn't crying, there were tears leaking out. And Page did the sweetest thing, once Nick convinced me to go to her: She snuggled up to me and then rolled all the way onto her back. That's the only time she's done that. Then she just sat with me until I had it together enough to get moving again. And when we went to the living room, she pounced on her puppy. She didn't bring it to me but it was an obvious "let's play". So we played fetch. She was so cutely surprised the first time she bit the right end of puppy and made him squeak. Lol. Do you want to know something interesting: She won't play fetch with Nick yet. She'll get excited when he squeaks puppy and she'll chase it when he throws it but she won't bring it back to him. She's so cute.

I took her over to Nick's parents yesterday for supper. I think it went well. She stayed right where I put her while we were eating supper. Yeah, Page!

Yet another post from work

Yes. I write quite a few of my posts from work. I have a very slack job and am done my stuff for the day but can't leave because somebody has to man the till. But they gave me a computer and the Internet, so blog I will.

I just wanted to give some updates on Page and how she is fitting in with us.

She made her first dog friend the other day, the building "mascot". He's the landlord's dog, Tucker. And I think he and she will get along very well. She has great dog manners. Now she just needs to learn that she can't say hi to every dog she sees (she tried to say hi to an English Mastiff yesterday and just about got bit), or every person for that matter. It's obvious that she has always been in houses with other dogs. She wants to play with the cats so badly, as a substitute for other dogs, but they don't want to play yet.

She is wagging her tail a lot more. I think she is starting to feel very comfortable with us. Which makes me happy. She's even starting to show that there is a goofy side to her personality. I bought her this little stuffed dog and it turns out she'll play fetch with him. I bought her a bunch of toys, just cheap versions of each, because I didn't know what she would play with. She picked herself out a pigs ears but completely ignored the rawhides (both treats are in open buckets at the pet store I go to). The funniest one, and it may gross some people out but it was a special moment to me, was the first time she went poo. I have to take her out because we live in an apartment and I think she was feeling awkward between the new setting and always being on a leash. So a little over 48 hours in, she finally did. She threw herself a little party. Jumping up and down and running around with the tail going as if to say "I did it". So I celebrated with her. And now, no problem. lol. Goof dog.

And she's already helping me up. We're doing "wake up" in the morning. At this point, I'm forcing myself awake in the morning when the alarm first goes off and calling her over, inviting her to come up on the bed, and praising big time when she's giving kisses. Then it's a couple of quick stops that I may need her to help me to remember (eg. feed the cats) and then it's breakfast time for Page. We're doing the slobber, gross hand-feeding-the-kibble thing right now. Yuck! But it will help me build a bond with her. In a little bit, we're also going to start to incorporate some trick ideas into this time. But right now, she lies on the floor and I offer her a few pieces at a time.

Another helpful moment: We went to the pet store yesterday. Even though I've been going to the same store for almost a year, I still go in, get what I need, and get out. I can't browse. I simply can't. Yesterday, with Page with me, I browsed. I was so thrilled. We even met a puppy who Page instantly liked. We talked to people, which was fairly easy because we were talking about dogs. And we bought toys. Toys that hide kibble. A durable Nylabone. A rope toy. And the stuffed, squeaky puppy mentioned above. We may try balls and Frisbees in the future. I also bought her a "shedding comb". Everybody: get one of these! We took her home and brushed her with this and Wow! She doesn't shed to badly generally (eg. Hug her and you don't need a sticky roller right away) but we got a Safeway bag out of her. And it was quick and easy. She seemed to enjoy it. And it changed her shape drastically. She looks like she lost 10-15 lbs around her middle. Now you can see that there is more in her shoulders, rough (or ruff - what's the correct spelling for the mane that collies have?), and in the feathering on her rump. We never even got to her tail but it's got some to come out too. The most amazing, and wonderful, part of it was that Nick did the combing while I used a smaller comb on the feathering on her ankles. He was covered in hair and didn't have a reaction. Woot! The allergy testing seems to be going well.

While I had her out and about yesterday, I also popped into my vets. This is where Page met the Mastiff. I got distracted for a second when the vet joined us and Page took advantage of it to go say hi. Happily, the vet saw it prior to the actual bite and quickly jerked Page out of the way. (CLARIFICATION: Page went to say hello and the Mastiff was going to bite.) Thanks Doc. I managed to sneak the vet into checking Page's teeth. They are a little bit worn down and I just wanted to make sure that they weren't going to be problematic. No worries was the report.

We then went to pick up Nick from school. While we were waiting, I just opened the hatch on the car and me and Page just sat in the back. I didn't have to hold her leash at all. She just laid in the back and took it easy. I was so thrilled with her! What a good girl.

General update: The semester is over. I wrote my last test yesterday. I'm feeling a bit better with the increase in meds. And I have a beautiful, wonderful dog at my house. Things are looking up for me. Even if it is raining today. And I've told everybody I needed to. My parents, Nick's parents, my landlords, my boss, and all of the important friends. And just about anybody else who will listen to me. It's so nice to talk about the bipolar openly. It makes it feel less wrong and makes me feel less broken. And I really hope that this blog can inspire somebody else who is going through a similar situation or is trying to understand somebody who is.

Thanks for making it to the bottom. I know it was long but there were so many new-dog moments in the last few days.

Page and the bus

This morning we went for a walk around the neighborhood. When we were walking down the main street, a city bus went past and made a terrible noise as it let some air out of it's neumatic tanks. Page tried to bolt but quickly calmed down and gave me tail wag when I petted her.

This is something that we're going to have to work on since Page is going to have to be able to ride public transit.

Introducing Page

She's beautiful. She's wonderful. It may be puppy love. I would like to take this opportunity to introduce Page, our first candidate dog:

Page has come to stay with us for a while for her home interview. So far, she is so sweet and just wants to be doing everything that I'm doing and be everywhere I am. Currently, she is helping me study (yes, I'm blogging first but I do have my final exam for the semester tomorrow morning). Wanting to be with her person is a great asset in the path to becoming a service dog because a service dog is going to be with their handler all the time. She is also super eager to do anything I can ask of her. She isn't following commands at lightning pace (she takes a moment to test if you really want her to sit and an even longer moment to see if you really want her to lie down) but I think these will get quicker as she decides that she actually wants to work for somebody.

Right now, our job is to bond. So, lots of long walks, lots of snuggles, lots of petting and hanging out. I'm hand feeding her, which is actually kind of gross. Doggie slobber galore as she's licking kibble out of my hand. Yuck! But she gives the best dog hugs. If you crouch down to pat her, she'll knock you to your butt and then put her head over your shoulder so that you're only chance of staying upright is to hug her. And she does the goofiest kissy thing. It's perfect for Nick though because we then don't have to worry about the saliva allergy as much. She will snap at the air under your chin while getting her tongue going. But it seems to satisfy her need to kiss your chin and it's too cute. Mostly she seems like a big ball of fuzz that is dying to be loved and to belong to somebody.

The little bit of Page's history that I know:

(Removed because I am 100% sure of the detail. Info to be posted later.)

She was a breeder dog and she is being career changed.

Our meeting:

I met Kristine at a local mall. I'm happy that it was one that I was familar with because Nick had the car and I took the bus there on my own. Of course I missed the bus that I intended to get so I was all sorts of stressed out and late by the time I got there. The familiar environment made it easier to calm back down and meet Page in a calmer mind set, although I was still tense. I was excited. When I knew that I was going to be running late, I texted Kristine to let her know and she sent back "Deep breathes. We'll be here waiting for you." That dropped my anxiety significantly. Thanks Kristine.

I found Kristine and Page and we went outside so that Page could meet me as a dog instead of a well-behaved-SD. Kristine had her service-dog-in-training vest on her so that we had access. So after I got to say hi, Nick was done school and he joined us. Him and Page hit it off right away. I think she was less sure about me because I was sending off a lot of nervous energy. We took a tour through the mall and Kristine pointed out a bunch of Pages stress signals. The yawning. The panting. (If the corner of the mouth is wrinkled, it's stress panting; and if it's smooth, the dog is just hot.) Licking of the muzzle. (If it's quick, the treat was yummy; if it's slower, it's stress. I bet that not everybody knew that.) We stopped in the pet store and bought her some of the food that she's been eating and a collar and leash. I didn't buy these things yet because I didn't know which variety she was on or what size her neck was. Otherwise, I had bought everything I could think of on Monday.

And then we left the mall. That was quite enough for a dog who didn't know what was going on. But she was so well behaved. I think she will fit this career path just fine. She came home with us and relaxed right in. The cats were way more upset about her then she was about them. Marissa is calming down and is able to be within a good distance of Page as long as Page doesn't look at her. And this is improving rapidly. Sam is a different story. He's been observing from a distance and hissing/growling if Page comes to close. He'll get better.

Med adjustment

I went to the doctors today. It was an appointment that I made a couple of weeks ago but it couldn't have come at a better time. It doesn't usually take so long to get in but I needed a longer slot this time because he surgically removed a mole for me. Yippy. It was driving me nuts. Now, a slight ache in the spot and a great amount of itching and 1 stitch.

In my area, the system is moving to a health care team approach. This means that you still primarily deal with your GP but the GP has specialists that he sees on a regular basis that he can consult with. In my case, he has access to a psychiatrist. And he discussed my file with his psychiatrist. And they've decided to adjust my meds:

Previously:

• Lamictal: 125mg twice a day (an anti-epileptic for stability)
• Celexa: 10mg in the morning (an antidepressant)

Now:

• Celexa: Same
• Lamictal: 150mg twice a day for 2 weeks, 175mg twice a day for 2 weeks

He wants to see me again in 4 weeks time, just to see how I'm doing and how I'm adjusting. I have to remember to keep track of any side effects: eg. if the headaches or dizzy spells get any worse. The side effects always scare me a little. The headaches are a pain (go figure) and the dizzy spells are very disorientating. They are long lived visual confusion. The world doesn't keep quite where you think it should be. These can become problematic, I think. I most definitely shouldn't be driving when these are happening. I think I may always have to retain some comfort level with public transit and be comfortable getting to my usual destinations. This will be easier once I have my PSD.

In other news: I'm writing the test that I missed this upcoming Monday. That gives me Saturday to super apply myself and get studying. I haven't really studied for it yet because I couldn't read. Sometimes it's like what is on the page in front of me is written in Hebrew for how much of it I'm understanding/retaining. And it's frustrating because 1) I'm not gaining anything by spending my time looking at the page and 2) I could read a novel during most of these periods because I don't have to actively read it or attempt to retain it. It's like "I can do this, so why can't I do this very similar task". Grrrr!

Anyways, I'm off to bed. I'm exhausted. I hope I start sleeping like a normal person soon. Right now I'm falling asleep like I'm manic (ie. I lie awake and stare into space) and sleep like I'm depressed (ie. 10-12 hours if you let me). I'm trying to avoid sleeping pills. They worry both Mom and Nick. Me: at times they are almost like chocolate. So good and so satisfying. But I'm still scared of dependency on them. And I meant to talk to the doctor about them today. Crap! Night.

Advocacy

We just watched the movie "Milk". It's based on a true story. The story of the gay movement in San Fransisco that was championed by Harvey Milk. It's a story of advocacy for something that you live with.

I live with mental illness. More specifically, I live with Bipolar II. Mental illness isn't uncommon. The center for addiction and mental health reports that 1 in 5 adults have, have had, or will have a diagnosable mental illness in their life time. 20% of the population. The human population. This isn't something that it centralized to a specific area or a specific socioeconomic group or a specific racial group. And if 20% is effected within their bodies, you can guarantee that at least 79% know somebody who has a mental illness. And yet, nobody talks about it.

When I was first diagnosed, we played guess and test with the medication. While it is not a lot of fun, it's currently the most effective way to figure out the right combination because every drug effects every person in a different manner. So what works to help somebody else control their bipolar, may not help for me. My diagnoses came because lithium was the first drug that worked to help control my symptoms. During this time my doctor kept asking if I had any family that suffered from mood disorders as some have a large genetic component. I kept saying no. After my maternal grandma heard my diagnoses, she revealed that there are quite a few in her family that who have bipolar or major depression. OMG! That could have been useful to know.

Talk about the mental health of your family. It's nothing to be ashamed of. If you are willing to say that you have heart disease or cancer in your family history, also include if there is bipolar, schizophrenia, autism, or any other mental condition.

After I came to terms that I'm living with bipolar, I have made a point of talking openly about it. I don't bring it up right away. I still worry about the predigest against mental health. Once I'm comfortable, I'm open about it. I have no problem saying that I'm having a bad day; no more than I would have saying that I had a cold. And the predigest that you worry about when you first meet somebody isn't really there. The fear can be debilitating but it isn't as real as you think it is. I've never had anybody run away or call me a monster. In fact, when my boss found out recently, she was surprised. I'm honest. I'm reliable. I'm hardworking. Not what she would have expected from somebody who lives with a mental illness. I don't fit the stereotype. Oops.

Now I'm slated to get one of the first PSDs in the city. It has been hard. While most people I've talked to are excited for me, the first common response is "I didn't know you could get a dog for that". I'm coming out of the closet in a very public way. I've always been open about it, but now, instead of educating a friend or co-worker, I'm going to doing public education. I'm going to be asked questions everywhere I go. And I need to be okay with that. I don't always have to answer but I need to be okay with the fact that people are going to have questions.

I want to be part of this next revolution. The women got the vote. The gays got to be understood and accepted. And now it's time for mental health to become visible, exposed, understood, and accepted. And it's not a disability. It's just a different way of being. Mental health is not something to hide. Somebody who carries these labels can be a viable member of society.

I want to be part of the voice to make this happen.

Now I just have to figure out how.

Mixed episodes

In short, they suck. A mixed episode is when you're showing symptoms of mania and depression at the same time. The symptoms can, over time, alternate their composition.

Lately I've been sleeping like I do when I'm manic: trouble staying asleep and really bizzare dreams. Usually I also have trouble falling asleep but I've found something that really works: I play suduko on my gameboy with the lights off. A couple of those and my eyes are closing on me. (Not sure what I'm going to do once I've done all of the puzzles on there.)

The dreams suck. They are increadiable vivid. I usually can recall days later what they were about. They are more like watching a movie than a usual dream. They go on and on and they have actual plot development and purpose. And recurring themes. If not themes, then at least settings. There is a school, a mall, a campground/park, a bar (which is funny because I'm not a bar person in my real life), and certain people's homes (which isn't where they actually live - they just live there on a consistent basis in these dreams). My favourite part of the dreams: I get to fly. Truly fly. No man-made contraptions. Just me and air pressure. I started to fly in my dreams when I was young and did I ever crash when I first started. Hung myself up on powerlines or trees, bounced myself off door frames (you don't have to be outside to fly - it beats fighting with a crowd) or pavement. Now, it's easy, it's graceful, it's freeing. I love it. It makes me almost want to be manic. Almost. The downside to these dreams is I don't actually sleep while they are going on. A few days of them and I'm so tired that I could fall down even though I can't sleep. And then I start the sleeping pills. Once I regulate my sleep again, the episode will start to relax.

On the mood front:
Yesterday, I was feeling completely high. It was a great day. I was smiling and practically skipping. And I once again started the "am I sick enough overall to need the PSD?"
Today, complete opposite. I just don't want to. And it doesn't matter what your question is. Except for "do you want the dog?" Desperately. I just want to put my arms around him and bury my face in his fur and let this pass. I know it too shall pass but I just don't want to be part of life until it does. Today I'm doing good. I made it to school and I'm writing this on the computer at work.
Tomorrow? I couldn't even start to try and predict it. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. The good news: Tomorrow is a me and Nick day. He handed in his killer paper today; The lovely piece of work that has been keeping him from coming to bed at anything that looks like a reasonable hour. No time for sleep = very little time for me. To put that into perspective, he got 2-ish hours of sleep last night. I hope I'm not feeling completely dispondant for our day together.
And to top all of this off: my stomach is giving me heck. I haven't been treating it very nice, I'll admit. A steady diet of fast food, convience foods at work, and chocolate has done it for my system. Yikes! So I wasn't feeling too good this morning. Then after writing a killer paper in class today, I ate my feelings at A&W. Yuck. Why did I do that? I usually try to keep my self-medicating to chocolate. I figure that it's a little bit better for you then deep fried foods. So for supper tonight: pasta (the not so good for you frozen kind) and a big salad. Yummy. Looking forward to the green leafy stuff.