Life changes so rapidly

To start this very bluntly: I moved out of the house that I shared with my boyfriend. I just couldn't live with him any more. I'm naturally a very neat, organized person. I like a clean environment where everything has a place. It helps keep me stable. The apartment that I shared with my boyfriend was the opposite of that. It was a disaster and any cleaning that was happening was because I was doing it. With the cycling and negative feelings, I wasn't able to keep up with the cleaning. I needed his help and he wasn't helping. Friday morning (at 4AM) I woke up to the strangest dream. All the way through the dream, I was in a number of situations where different people were taking advantage of me. Eg. operating a coffee shop when I was actually closed. At the end of the dream, I was choking Nick and he was saying "you don't know king from Cain". I think it was a biblical reference: "You don't know Cain from Abel". I instinctively knew that he was trying to say "You don't know how good you have it." I woke up knowing that I needed change. But after that, the change happened way quicker than I thought it was going to. I went to my parents' for the night to have a chance to get some perspective. When I woke on Saturday morning, I knew I was doing the right thing. I've spent the last few days back at the apartment packing up my stuff. You never realize how much stuff you have until you move. Nick and I have been together for 4.5 years. We both thought that this was the big love. That this was it. The one you marry, have babies with, grow old with. And we decided that we may not be ready to give up on that idea. We're going to try and work through the issues while living apart. I need to SEE that the changes are being made in order to have this work. When I move in with him again, it will be because I have agreed to marry him. I never wanted the big, white wedding but if we survive this, I think that maybe we should. We would have a lot more to celebrate than if everything went easy to start with. I really hope that he is able to do and be what I need him to. I'm not ready to give up on him. In the mean time, I hate moving. Right now, I have a bed but no desk, no dresser. Just me, Paige, and Marissa out on our own. We do have plans for moving out with Joce and her dog Charlie but I'm not sure when that will happen. We'll see. I'll keep you posted.

What was I doing

The last little bit has been rough. My brain is running a million miles a hour and jumping from thought to thought. When it does finally get tired, I either need to desperately sleep (the like now, regardless of where I am variety) or I end up sitting "moping" (as Nick calls it) or dissociating. In bipolar terms, I'm cyclicing hard, again. I hate this. Right now I can barely hold a thought in my head for 5 seconds. If some of the sentences in this post don't make sense, please try to read what I mean. I keep loosing my train of thought prior to the end of the sentence. This morning while I was counting the till at work I ended up having to count things 3 or 4 times. I was still moving the coins to my hand but I kept getting distracted from the counting portion of the task. I really hate this part of the disability. Trying to do my homework is nearly impossible. Nothing makes sense because I keep missing parts of sentences/paragraphs while reading. Beyond that, I've missed a few classes of my accounting class as of late. I emailed my teacher yesterday because I'm feeling so frustrated and lost. I blamed my absence on a complication with my medication, which is partially true. If the meds were working perfectly, I wouldn't be cycling. If he offered to actually meet up with me and go over the concepts. That is so helpful. Crap. I had more that I wanted to write but I got completely distracted by something that was going on on the radio. Oh well. I'll leave the post there for now because I have a pile of homework that I need to try to get through.

Lost

Hi everybody,

I haven't posted in so long. I'm sorry. I used to post so regularly. Now I just can't seem to do it. I have no energy left. Between school, work, and Paige, I'm done. I couldn't imagine having a full time job. I'm not walking Paige like I was. No more long hikes. I just don't have the energy or drive. I'm not doing homework like I was. No motivation. I've missed quite a few classes lately. Happily, I have classmates that are willing to just hand over their notes for photocopying, no questions asked. And I'm getting frustrated with training. Training is a long process. I know that. But I feel like my weak energy is killing the training processes. I'm only doing it half heartedly and because I have to and I think Paige knows it. The most recent: she has forgotten what sit means. She is so wonderful. She follows me everywhere. Last weekend we took her camping up at my parents' cabin. I don't know if she's ever done that before. Earlier this week, I took her to the bookstore to buy the text for my philosophy class. She did great. But I don't know if it was service dog standard. We have a basics class that is going to start later this month. I'm using it more like a learn-to-work-under-distraction class. Why is this so hard? Paige is so smart. I've dealt with dogs before. Why isn't this coming together better?