A friend I've never met

I'm part of the list serve at www.psychdog.org and have met some very wonderful people over there. They have been a great support and a great inspiration for me while I've been working with Paige. A good number of them are "unstable." They are working through life situations or medical imbalances while dealing with their own mental illnesses. I don't know many of them very well, in reality, but they are people that I've come to feel close to because we share similar stories. One that I really look up to as a service dog team - we'll call them WonderHandler & SuperPoodle (you know who you are if you're reading this) - recently tried to commit suicide by overdose. It's taken me quite a while to come up with a reaction to this event. I finally managed to open the emails and read the updates today. I'm not sure why it took me so long; maybe I just really didn't want to believe that it could happen to somebody who was so stable seeming. I knew that WonderHandler had her up and downs like the rest of us but this felt heavily out of left field for me. Happily, her husband and SuperPoodle took really good care of her. SuperPoodle was with her in the hospital the whole time and did a fantastic job. He made sure that she stayed awake right after the overdose. He cuddled her and helped with her anxiety. He helped heal her with a ball that caused a smile. *Finally, just now, I'm getting tears in my eyes* I can only hope that Paige can do similar for me on the day that I need it.

Our small community almost lost a valued member. I'm so glad that you're still with us WonderHandler and I'm going to hug SuperPoodle so hard on the day that I meet him for everything that he helped you through.

It is another event in my life that leaves me wondering if I'm actually sick enough to be working with Paige. I've never tried suicide. I've never seriously self harmed because I was scared about what my Parents would do. I hurt but I didn't really want anybody to know because then I would have had to explain it. I'm not as "sick" as others. I've been taking Paige to work with me for the last few weeks. Actually, Paige goes with me everywhere as long as it doesn't involve a bus. I've noticed a difference in myself while I'm out with her. She makes me smile and laugh. She makes me feel calm and confident. I'm starting to smile with my eyes again. The one where you get smile lines around your eyes and you get a twinkle. I lost that smile over a year ago. I don't know why. But it's coming back. She's such good medicine for anxiety. I've always had a bit of anxiety while out of my "safe spots" but as of late, the level of anxiety was getting much higher and the "safe spots" were becoming fewer. I was getting scared that I was going to end up house bound out of fear of the anxiety. But going out with Paige is easy. I feel comfortable and invincible. The dog has a downside: I end up talking to way more people, even if I don't want to.

Most of them are just crazy curious about Paige. She's not a sight dog, I'm not in a wheel chair, why in the world would I have a dog? But I look at what I've just written and I know that Paige is the right medicine for me. Hopefully, with Paige and the "actual" medicine, I won't end up putting up posts like WonderHandler has lately. Prior to Paige, there was a few times where Nick actually told me that he was scared that one day he would come home and find me in the bath tub, bled out. I never even told him which way I would go, but he got it dead on. Now I have one more thing to live for and one more support to rely on: Paige and everything that she has brought into my life (that includes all of my support through HopeHeels - yes, we're officially off the ground - and all my list serve friends, including WonderHandler).

Really, the point to the post was the first 2 paragraphs. The rest of it is just a small look into my mixed up thoughts - I'm sorry if the brain spew that happened there jumps around and doesn't make much sense. Welcome to my head.

What is a service dog?

There is a bit of a debate going on at some of the other blogs I read (see here and here). Both of these blogs are written by puppy raisers for service dog schools. Both of these bloggers are located in the USA. One holds a narrow view of which dog can be a service dog. The other holds a view that can accommodate dogs like Paige.

A service dog is any dog that accompanies their owner in public to help mitigate a disability. There is no limit as to where that dog comes from or who it is trained by. What matters is how it behaves and that it's appearance is kept up. Please understand that not all dogs are going to be on their best behaviour all the time. Dogs are not like wheelchairs, although they fall under the same piece of legislation here in Alberta. They have personalities and needs. They interact with the world separate of their handler and sometimes that smell over there is just too much. The handler should be courteous and kind to the public. Although the questions that we get asked can seem obtrusive at times, people really are just curious. Most don't see a service dog very often. Service dogs come in all shapes, sizes, and breeds. There is no right or wrong answer to this topic. I've seen a Pomeranian and a Saint Bernard be service dogs for different people, for different reasons.

Next time you see a dog out in public and wonder if it is a real service dog, because there are fakers out there, be careful before you judge. Not all disabilities are visible.

Panic Attacks and Skipping Class

Right now I should be catching a bus to go to my 2pm class - Advanced Financial Accounting. But I'm not.

Wednesday (Last week) I ended up having a horid panic attack on the bus on my way home from class. I could feel it starting even before I got on the bus but I got on anyway. Silly me. I just wanted to get home and get safe. The bus ride home from school is almost an hour. So I sat and paniced for an hour. I was amazed that I was able to hold it together and hide it from everybody on the bus. When I walked in the door at home, I just patted Paige while my vision blacked out and tears ran down my cheeks.

Thursday, I had a doctor's appointment in the afternoon. I would have had to miss my 2nd class in order to make the appointment. But I wussed out and missed both classes. I couldn't leave my house. I took Paige to my Doc appointment.

Friday morning I had to work. I just about missed my shift because I was having trouble leaving the house. On impulse, I decided to take Paige. I left the house nearly on time and I had a great day. I was smiling with my eyes again. You know; where the corners of your eyes crinckle up and your eyes sparkle a little bit. I haven't smiled like that in a very long time.

Over the weekend, I did pretty good but there wasn't anything going on.

This morning, since Paige did so good on Friday, I took her to work with me again. Paige is finding the really long down-stays under the desk difficult. We're only there for 5 hours and we move around some but by the end, Paige is so happy when her vest finally comes off. Even if it's just to put on her rain jacket, as was the case today.

Back to the present moment: I have a mild cold and a bit of a head ache. I used those as excuses to myself as to why I shouldn't go to school. Really, I think a lot more of it is about the bus. Something that I'm going to talk about tomorrow with my counciler.

The worst part of missing class Thursday and Today is the guilt that comes with it. The "everybody else can do it" and the thought that there is something wrong with me that I can't just swallow this and go about what I need to get done. It'll get even worse when Nick asks me how school was today and I have to admit that I didn't go. Not only am I disappointed in myself, but I can see on his face that he is disappointed in me. It hurts not to go but it's terrifying to go.

Paige goes to work

Paige went to work with me for the first time today. I did it on a bit of a whim. I had a really bad panic attack on the bus on Wednesday. It was bad enough that I couldn't make myself take the bus to school on Thursday. I was even having trouble leaving the house today even though there was no bus involved. So I grabbed Paige, her vest, and a bunch of treats and took her to work with me. That is why I have a SD, to go places with me. She did better than I could have hoped. She hung out under the counter and followed me around when I had work to do. She ignored everybody who came in and paid close attention to me. I didn't have to repeat a command twice all day. Way to go Paige. I'm pretty sure she will be coming with me to every shift now on unless I really am going to be so pressed for time that I won't have a chance to bring her back home. Taking the bus is our last obstacle from being able to truly go everywhere with me. I am one happy puppy mommy and service dog partner.

Pictures to follow when I get them off loaded from my phone.

Turkey Day

Not the gobble, gobble kind.

Paige has accompanied me to my psych appointment for the last 2 weeks now, last Tuesday and today. (Oh yeah, I finally found a councilor and for free too.) I'm trying to take her with me where I can. She's doing well for laying for the hour but I have to teach her a "head" command. Lay down, put your head down, you're going to be there for a while. Otherwise, she keeps looking at me like she's bored and fidgeting. She needs to learn that the hardest job a SD has is the 8 hour down-stay.

Paige hasn't been feeling good for the last few days. She ate a lot of hotdogs and cheddar cheese on Saturday when we were doing a public awareness event for PSDs. And it didn't agree. But today she is feeling good. Really good. And she's really happy that she's feeling better. And she has lots of energy! She was smelling everything and watching everything and walking ahead of me (leash still loose). When I had her in a down, she was fidgeting and huffing at me and giving me the "I'm bored" look. So instead of getting going again, after our appointment, I went and got a glass of tea and sat in the cafeteria. More waiting. I usually hate sitting in cafeterias and such unless I can get my back against a wall. But today I felt safe with my back open. Paige was sitting in such a position that she was looking behind me. I knew that she would respond if somebody was going to come up behind me. Good dog.

Hopefully not everyday will be a turkey day. It was super exhausting.

Already I'm getting sick of hearing "look, it's a dog", "isn't she cute", "why would she have a dog". All of these are whispered as we walk by.

Paige passes puppy class

Paige finished her 6 week puppy class last Thursday. Here she is with the certificate. We did the class to help her work on distraction. I put her vest on her during working times and took it off so she could play. I think it helped her understand what the idea of working and that was what the vest means. Over all, I think the class was a huge success.

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Two steps forward and Three steps back sometimes.

I know that I'm not writing as much as I used to. This has always happened with any "journal" that I have kept. When I'm not feeling good, I can't find the energy to write and when I do sit down to write, I seem to have nothing to say. I know: This doesn't seem possible as this is a blog about training Paige and there must still be training going on. True. But the ability to put it into words is what is missing. This is the truly disabling part of mental illness. The good days are good and you function like everybody else. It's the bad times that are so hard and frustrating.

This time around, I'm having a lot of trouble staying organized and being anything that looks like consistent. I have forgotten keys to either my parents or to the apartment at home 2 days in a row. I double checked that I had both pairs with me this morning because I would need them both with me in the next few days. I have forgotten my date book numerous times. And a number of other things. I can't even remember what I've forgotten. And sometimes it's silly. I will end up moving something to the counter that is right beside/above the bag that I'm going to take out the door in a couple of minutes and I'll still manage to forget it. I've been forgetting where I've put stuff down. This is very unusual for me because I have excellent placement memory. If I've seen it, I can tell you exactly where I saw it last. Nick makes excessive use of this ability. "Where are the keys/wallet/novel/phone/...?"

As for Paige, we've had some progress and some set backs. Progress: While working on "Take it" she picked up her nylabone for me the other day and actually took a step with it in her mouth. She missed my hand on the Give but I threw her a party anyway. Getting her unstuck from one spot has been very difficult. I find it very helpful to throw her parties as often as possible when training. It makes it really fun and lets her know when she did something really super.

Another thing we've had progress in is the lean command. I've been trying to figure this one out for a while. The basis for it is shoulder targeting - for the dog to touch stuff with their shoulder instead of there nose, for example. I want her to be shoulder targeting my leg to help me get grounded again when I get anxious. She is going to lean into me with her body weight. I've had a lot of trouble trying to shape her to do this but she does it naturally when she's giving me love. She leans into and rubs on stuff all the time. So I grabbed the clicker and the treat bag and am trying to capture her when she does it. I caught it a few times the other day. After every time I catch it, I approach her and touch her with my leg. She's not moving away any more when I touch her with my leg but she's not closing the distance yet. I'm sure it will come now that we've started on it.

More progress: Paige is getting closer to be able to walk past that Basset hound in the alley. This dog is completely under exercised and neglected. They leave him and 2 others in the backyard all day long. Out of boredom and pent up energy, this dog barks all day and attacks his fence when somebody walks past. He really gets Paige going so I've been working on being able to walk closer. The goal is to be able to walk past the fence without caring. That's the goal. For now, Paige isn't pulling as much when we do get close and she is having more luck paying attention to me. It was funny the other day. I have been trying to get her to "touch" when she hears him. The point is to give her something else to do other than bark. The funny was that she was doing both at once. Touch, bark, touch, bark. It's an improvement. If she's staying close enough to touch, then she's not pulling me down the alley.

The fall back: Paige has forgotten how to walk on a loose leash and is pulling to meet people. Both of these are really bad things. So we've been working on our focusing which helps with loose leash. If she's focusing on me while walking, she can't be ahead of me and she's watching if I turn. To help with this, it's been a few very treat rich walks and slowly I'll start to decrease the treats again. I'm only using low value treats at this point - kibble and small crunchy treats. For her, it seems to be more about stuff landing in her mouth than what that something is. But I do need yummier stuff for any new behaviour. With meeting people, she just has to get it through her skull that she can't. Which means that every time we meet somebody on the street, she has to ignore them. If she can't ignore them than she definitely doesn't get to meet them. If she does keep her focus on me, then she can say hi, if the circumstances are appropriate. I've suspended outings until these issues are cleared up. I can't have a SD pulling me down an aisle in Safeway to meet somebody.

And so, training continues.

The first sign of fall

It doesn't look like much but there is a fallen leaf on her back.

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