Wednesday (Last week) I ended up having a horid panic attack on the bus on my way home from class. I could feel it starting even before I got on the bus but I got on anyway. Silly me. I just wanted to get home and get safe. The bus ride home from school is almost an hour. So I sat and paniced for an hour. I was amazed that I was able to hold it together and hide it from everybody on the bus. When I walked in the door at home, I just patted Paige while my vision blacked out and tears ran down my cheeks.
Thursday, I had a doctor's appointment in the afternoon. I would have had to miss my 2nd class in order to make the appointment. But I wussed out and missed both classes. I couldn't leave my house. I took Paige to my Doc appointment.
Friday morning I had to work. I just about missed my shift because I was having trouble leaving the house. On impulse, I decided to take Paige. I left the house nearly on time and I had a great day. I was smiling with my eyes again. You know; where the corners of your eyes crinckle up and your eyes sparkle a little bit. I haven't smiled like that in a very long time.
Over the weekend, I did pretty good but there wasn't anything going on.
This morning, since Paige did so good on Friday, I took her to work with me again. Paige is finding the really long down-stays under the desk difficult. We're only there for 5 hours and we move around some but by the end, Paige is so happy when her vest finally comes off. Even if it's just to put on her rain jacket, as was the case today.
Back to the present moment: I have a mild cold and a bit of a head ache. I used those as excuses to myself as to why I shouldn't go to school. Really, I think a lot more of it is about the bus. Something that I'm going to talk about tomorrow with my counciler.
The worst part of missing class Thursday and Today is the guilt that comes with it. The "everybody else can do it" and the thought that there is something wrong with me that I can't just swallow this and go about what I need to get done. It'll get even worse when Nick asks me how school was today and I have to admit that I didn't go. Not only am I disappointed in myself, but I can see on his face that he is disappointed in me. It hurts not to go but it's terrifying to go.
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