Paige's biggest outing to date

Yesterday, after a particularly disheartening visit to the apartment (No, I don't want to actually talk about it), I decided I needed a little retail therapy. So I called up Joce and we decided to go to my local Winners. Since it's a really quiet Winners (as far as Winners goes) in a fairly quiet mall, I decided that it would be good exposure for Paige.

I did go in with a purpose. I wanted a new wallet. Note to all who live with an illness like bipolar or who deal with somebody who does: Shopping without a solid objective is DANGEROUS! Like "do not try this at home" dangerous. Money runs out of your fingers like water and you end up with a bunch of stuff that you don't even remember buying.

Anyways, I wanted a wallet. All of the wallets were on a 4 sided little square stand. I figured this was a good practice for positioning and for waiting for Paige. So I had her lay between me and the first side and wait while I rooted through the shelf (sometimes I really hate Winners because of the lack of organization). Then we moved to the second side. I had to reposition Paige so she was between me and the rack again. I found the wallet that I wanted there but in the interest of practice I did the other two sides as well. Paige positioned perfectly on both of those sides. Yeah Paige. I even *accidentally* dropped a wallet on Paige at one point. She didn't even flinch. She gave it a "What?" look but didn't break the down or make any sounds.

We then wondered through the purses and the clothing with Joce. I practiced a lot of turns (both into her and away from her) and stops. After a bit, she was very mindful of where I was. I didn't run into her if I turned and never had to ask her to stop or let her know that I was moving again. I did manage to find a shirt that I wanted to try on but I decided to leave it behind and that we would do dressing rooms at a later date. We had already been in the store for about 45 min. Then we goofed around looking at all the little knick-knacky things up by the tills. And then we paid. Again, Paige showed that she knew exactly what to do at the counter and flopped down at my feet against the till. The hardest thing I am ever going to do is to get this dog to hold a sit without lying down.

As we were leaving Winners, the security guard in the mall gave me a chance to practice my access challenge skills:

"Sorry, but we don't allow pets in the mall."

"She's not a pet. She's a service dog in training."

"Oh, I see her badges. Most of the dogs have longer capes."

"I prefer the vest during the warm weather" (I don't actually own a cape - yet. I'm going to get one for winter because her heavy coat is going to hide her little vest)

"We've had some problems with people bring their pets in."

"Thank you for asking me about her. I understand that pets aren't allowed in the mall."

During all of this I had a confident smile on my face. I didn't feel that confident inside, but nobody can see your insides.

After we left the mall, we decided we wanted to stop at the dairy queen across the street. We ordered. When I went to pay, for some reason I mildly tangled in the leash, tripped over my own feet, and ended up stepping on Paige who was lying in front of the till. Paige didn't even flinch. I got a "what are you doing?" look but no other response. Good girl. After I had her positioned underneath the table, a group of giggling teenage girls came in to select a frozen cake. I don't know if Paige has ever seen this type of person before, let alone 3 of them. She remained under the table but turned to face them. She watched them so intently but didn't move a muscle. Some people say that the dog's head should be down all the time when they are out but I don't feel that's necessary. I'm perfectly okay with her watching the going ons so long as she's not soliciting attention or looking for dropped food. Especially during her exposure training that we're doing right now. I figure if she gets to see everything, than nothing is going to be surprising later. For her to be steady will be helpful on the days when I'm not.

It was a huge outing for Paige. We were out for over an hour. We walked past all sorts of smelly things in Winners. There was a basket of little stuffed animals that I needed to "leave it" on. And a couple of purses too - I think they were genuine leather ones. We saw teenagers. We saw children being all excited and screaming "puppy/doggy". Happily all the parents knew that we don't pet service dogs. I handled my most serious access challenge to date and I would like to think I did very well with it. And Paige was working very hard on being invisible, which a service dog should be. She was doing so well that a couple who went around me almost ran right into her. She's figuring out her positioning and she's making excellent choices. All in all, Super Service Puppy and a pat on the back for her handler as well.

Psychiatrist hide and seek

As some may know, I've been hunting for a psychiatrist to take on my case full time. My meds are causing me nothing but trouble at the moment. I need to get them rebalanced and I need to get feeling better. I'm getting so sick of being sick. Many people have trouble thinking of mental illnesses on equal footing as bodily illnesses. Right now I feel like I have an ongoing infection that is med resistant and I'm unable to find a specialist who cn treat it. After school this morning I get to make a bunch of phone calls to see what I can find. Wish me luck. Phone calls make me so anxious that I feel like I could puke!

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Love is good

Last Friday, I walked out on Nick. We've been dating for 4.5 years but what was going on wasn't working for me any more. I needed to leave. In leaving, I think he finally realized that his messy ways weren't cutting it. Also in leaving, we both realized how much we love each other. We really want to work through this. We want to stop neglecting each other because we have been. He's the one for me and I really hope he can clean up his act. If he can't, we'll both have to face the heart break that goes with leaving somebody you love. He came over to my parents last night. We kissed for the first time in well over a week. Yes. It had gotten to the point where we weren't even kissing anymore before this happened. After this, I've decided to stop moving. There isn't any urgent need to get ALL of my stuff out. I'm going to leave in boxes what is in boxes and I'm going to take my desk (because doing homework on my bed sucks!) but I'm not going to pack any thing else until I know what's going on. Really, other than the kitchen, I'm pretty much done with packing. Here is hoping that the pile of boxes helps Nick remember what he needs to do.

Nick had the oddest suggestion. Prior to our separation, we had been talking about moving. His parents had suggested that they buy a house and rent it to Nick. From there, Nick could sublet to anybody he wanted but Nick would be responsible for the entire show. Ever since this happened, I've felt homeless. My parents' house is a place that I can always go, but it's not where I'm going to hang my heart. I feel mildly like an intruder. He suggested that even if we're not ready to share a bed, he could sublet to me and I can make the place my home. He even went so far as to suggest that I could have the upstairs and he would have his space in the basement. I so appreciate the offer but I don't know if I could share a house with him without climbing into his bed more often than not. But the idea of a home, especially one shared with him, is so appealing. Please notice the difference between the words "home" and "house".

But I'm scared. I'm so scared. I don't know if he can make the changes I need. I've heard "I will do ... " so many times without any results that I have trouble putting any faith in it. He needs to this time. The time for "I will" and procrastination is over.

On the training front:
With life going on, I've mildly neglected Paige's training. I've been doing just enough to maintain what we've covered already but we haven't progressed at all. Except in one area: I bought her a new lamp to be able to turn on. It's one where you just touch the base to turn it one. She took to it like a fish to water. Now I just need to put it on command and then set it up so the alarm is the cue. Still lots to go on that one.

Yesterday, after being at the apartment and everything (see yesterday's post for how I was feeling), I needed to go to the drug store by my parents' house to move my prescriptions over there. I couldn't do it alone, so I turned it into a training walk. Paige is being a bit of a monster on the leash ever since we moved without warning. She needed a couple of reminders once we got into the store but she settled into working mode quite quickly. She has figured out when I approach a counter (to pay and such), she should just lay down because we're going to be there for a couple of minutes. At one point, I actually had to look for something on a shelf and when I turned around, she was sitting there looking at me like "Look Mom. What's next?" I'm amazed that she can be a monster on a walk sometimes but she gets it so quick when we're out some place. There was one point where the clerk approached us to see if I needed help finding anything. Paige's tail started to go and she started to move forward. I walked her away for just a couple of feet and when we approached the clerk again she was all business, hitting a sit as soon as I stopped and looking at me the whole time. Wonder dog.

I'm noticing that I'm not getting very many access challenges and most are quickly dealt with by me saying that she's a service dog. There aren't very many service dogs around here. The government estimates that there are only 100 or so in the province. I think I'm not getting challenged very much because people are just so surprised to see a dog there. LOL.

Burn out

I'm getting to a point where I don't know how to proceed. I am so tired. I was before this week but it's even worse with this emotional load that I'm dealing with. I'm debating if I should stay in schoo and do my advanced classes next year. If I don't stay in school, I have to go and get a job. I hate looking and I question if I'm well enough to be grasping new tasks. For staying in school, I'm not thinking well and I can't remember what we went over last class never mind last semester. I need help and need a professional suggestion. Also to consider: if I do stay in school, I qualify for government funding even if I have a reduced course load.

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Life changes so rapidly

To start this very bluntly: I moved out of the house that I shared with my boyfriend. I just couldn't live with him any more. I'm naturally a very neat, organized person. I like a clean environment where everything has a place. It helps keep me stable. The apartment that I shared with my boyfriend was the opposite of that. It was a disaster and any cleaning that was happening was because I was doing it. With the cycling and negative feelings, I wasn't able to keep up with the cleaning. I needed his help and he wasn't helping. Friday morning (at 4AM) I woke up to the strangest dream. All the way through the dream, I was in a number of situations where different people were taking advantage of me. Eg. operating a coffee shop when I was actually closed. At the end of the dream, I was choking Nick and he was saying "you don't know king from Cain". I think it was a biblical reference: "You don't know Cain from Abel". I instinctively knew that he was trying to say "You don't know how good you have it." I woke up knowing that I needed change. But after that, the change happened way quicker than I thought it was going to. I went to my parents' for the night to have a chance to get some perspective. When I woke on Saturday morning, I knew I was doing the right thing. I've spent the last few days back at the apartment packing up my stuff. You never realize how much stuff you have until you move. Nick and I have been together for 4.5 years. We both thought that this was the big love. That this was it. The one you marry, have babies with, grow old with. And we decided that we may not be ready to give up on that idea. We're going to try and work through the issues while living apart. I need to SEE that the changes are being made in order to have this work. When I move in with him again, it will be because I have agreed to marry him. I never wanted the big, white wedding but if we survive this, I think that maybe we should. We would have a lot more to celebrate than if everything went easy to start with. I really hope that he is able to do and be what I need him to. I'm not ready to give up on him. In the mean time, I hate moving. Right now, I have a bed but no desk, no dresser. Just me, Paige, and Marissa out on our own. We do have plans for moving out with Joce and her dog Charlie but I'm not sure when that will happen. We'll see. I'll keep you posted.

What was I doing

The last little bit has been rough. My brain is running a million miles a hour and jumping from thought to thought. When it does finally get tired, I either need to desperately sleep (the like now, regardless of where I am variety) or I end up sitting "moping" (as Nick calls it) or dissociating. In bipolar terms, I'm cyclicing hard, again. I hate this. Right now I can barely hold a thought in my head for 5 seconds. If some of the sentences in this post don't make sense, please try to read what I mean. I keep loosing my train of thought prior to the end of the sentence. This morning while I was counting the till at work I ended up having to count things 3 or 4 times. I was still moving the coins to my hand but I kept getting distracted from the counting portion of the task. I really hate this part of the disability. Trying to do my homework is nearly impossible. Nothing makes sense because I keep missing parts of sentences/paragraphs while reading. Beyond that, I've missed a few classes of my accounting class as of late. I emailed my teacher yesterday because I'm feeling so frustrated and lost. I blamed my absence on a complication with my medication, which is partially true. If the meds were working perfectly, I wouldn't be cycling. If he offered to actually meet up with me and go over the concepts. That is so helpful. Crap. I had more that I wanted to write but I got completely distracted by something that was going on on the radio. Oh well. I'll leave the post there for now because I have a pile of homework that I need to try to get through.

Lost

Hi everybody,

I haven't posted in so long. I'm sorry. I used to post so regularly. Now I just can't seem to do it. I have no energy left. Between school, work, and Paige, I'm done. I couldn't imagine having a full time job. I'm not walking Paige like I was. No more long hikes. I just don't have the energy or drive. I'm not doing homework like I was. No motivation. I've missed quite a few classes lately. Happily, I have classmates that are willing to just hand over their notes for photocopying, no questions asked. And I'm getting frustrated with training. Training is a long process. I know that. But I feel like my weak energy is killing the training processes. I'm only doing it half heartedly and because I have to and I think Paige knows it. The most recent: she has forgotten what sit means. She is so wonderful. She follows me everywhere. Last weekend we took her camping up at my parents' cabin. I don't know if she's ever done that before. Earlier this week, I took her to the bookstore to buy the text for my philosophy class. She did great. But I don't know if it was service dog standard. We have a basics class that is going to start later this month. I'm using it more like a learn-to-work-under-distraction class. Why is this so hard? Paige is so smart. I've dealt with dogs before. Why isn't this coming together better?