Dark Thoughts - Trigger Warning

I know that there are some people who read my blog who aren't necessarily stable themselves. A trigger warning is to say that there is content in this post that may set them off and that they need to be aware that this could happen.

You may choose to stop reading now or you may continue.

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This is a post that contains truth. This is the truth of living with an emotional instability. This is my truth. I know that I have a few followers who know my Mom. Please don't tell my Mom. She will completely over react and jump off the deep end. Many are going to think that this is really bad but please understand that it isn't as much to worry about as you may think.

Leaving more space.

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Starting actual post

This is not easy to write. This is the part about mental illness that gets hidden. This is the part that is so important to talk about. This is the part that is real and embarrassing. This is the part that really set those that are ill apart from those who are not.

I don't know how to start.

I blogged about how I was not doing well with my sleeping. I had blood work done and nothing showed up wrong chemically. Iron is good and thyroid is good. My GP has suggested that it is related to the changes in medication levels or that it's related to the quality of sleep that I'm getting. I slept until 11:30 today. It's now just of after 9:00 and I am dead tired. Because I'm sleeping so much, I'm getting behind on everything and missing classes and everything else.

But that's not what I'm really here to discuss. Although it may be relevant to the rest of this post, I'm stalling. Why is this so hard to discuss? But this blog is about the truth and I'm trying to be open for educational purposes so I need to write this.

This hidden, secret words: Suicidal thoughts. There. I said them. Typed them actually. It's out in the open and now I can discuss them in full.

About a week ago they started. This is the strongest that they've been in forever! Probably since I was a teenager - high school or early university. They have the rational part of my mind kind of worried but the rest of my mind accepts it as fact and doesn't carry. It may be a good thing that I have a rational part.

I wish I could well describe a week ago to you but when it comes to this the days, and even worse the emotions, blur together and it's hard to say if it was an hour ago or a day ago that I had that particular thought or emotion. But here is what I do remember (It's mostly a series of events):

Two Fridays ago (very beginning of October) Nick and I went out for a fancy supper. Both of our birthdays are in September and we decided to do this instead of buying each other stuff that we didn't really need. Since we were close to the theater, we decided to go to a movie. We went and saw Easy A. Great movie. Go see it. On the way home, I was wondering why Nick wasn't driving faster. He was driving the speed limit but I thought he should have been driving way fast and getting the RPMs on his engine way up. These are very destructive manic thoughts. If I was driving I may have been a menace on the road. I wouldn't have been thinking of caution or the possibility of accidents. You feel invincible when you feel like that. First thing I did: reach in my purse and fish out my debit and visa cards and give them to Nick. It is so easy to spend yourself right into the hole when you feel like that.

That Saturday was the Hope Heels meeting. There was a lot discussed and it was a very long day. The significant parts for this story: I got triggered while they were discussing other patients on the conference call to Holland and had to excuse myself; and I continually bragged about how responsible I was in giving my cards to Nick.

Something else and then something else.

At some point after this, I stopped sleeping properly/normally/what ever you want to call it. For me, sleep patterns have always been significant signs. Sleeping this excessively is termed Hypersomnia. Once of Paige's jobs is to help me wake from this state and get me going. She's trying. Huffing in my face or licking my hand or shoulder. But she's not persistent enough in order to actually get me up. She'll do it for a few minutes and then give up and go lie down for a while.

I've kind of bounced around some. Disinterest in the world, hyper focus, no focus, hyper production, desire to pole (intense), no desire to move, take Paige on really long walks, not get Paige any further outside than it takes to go to the bathroom. I've completely neglected brushing Paige. I've haven't been doing the house work like I normally would have.

Last weekend, I hit bottom and started on suicidal thoughts. I talked with Nick because I was feeling so alone (IF SOMEBODY COMES TO YOU WITH THESE WORDS, LISTEN - don't judge!!! NOT FEELING ALONE COULD SAVE A LIFE!). And I felt a little bit better; a little bit less desperate. But I've made Nick worried. Nick tried to make me promise that if I felt that I was going to, I would call him first. But I know that when you have the pill bottle/knife/gun/... in your hand, you aren't thinking rationally at that point. You are about to do something that should terrify everybody. Thinking to make a call is probably not high on the priority list. There is also a lot of shame involve with it. You know that you are about to hurt so many people who matter to you; whom you love and who love you. I promised him instead that I would keep talking about it and would work really hard to not pull away. No sitting in corners wrapped up in myself.

I talked with my therapist on Tuesday about it. She handled it very well and very professionally. She talked about all of the things I could use as a safety net. (Don't tell people about all the good in their life. It doesn't help. Trust me; I can see it but it just doesn't matter. Instead tell them that they can call you at any time, any hour.) Paige was very cute at this appointment. She selectively disobeyed me. I usually have her lie in front of the filing cabinet. She scooted 3 more steps so that she was in front of my chair. I allowed it. Turns out that there is something deeply therapeutic about a dog lying between your legs with its head on your foot.

I didn't attend classes on Tuesday afternoon. I attended classes on Wednesday. I slept through my first class on Thursday and chose no to go to my second. Thursday was actually a very productive textbook day. Shocked. Friday, Paige woke me up at 4:30. She had yucky tummy. I decided to just stay up after that since I had to be at work by 7am. Disgusting but that's when I usually start if I work that day. So I made it to work on Friday. I think I was home for about an hour and then I climbed into bed. I slept for the rest of the evening.

Saturday. I took Paige to the dog park. We really need to work on recall! Dogs are way more interesting that I am. We stopped at the pet store. I ended up buying her a beef tendon. $3 well spent. She LOVES it! We went to Walmart. I want to start doing crowd training but it turned out to be the wrong place. I got some stuff we needed anyway. Last night, we just stayed in. I got some reading done. Then we watched tv and just chilled.

Today. Slept way too late. 11:30. When I got up, I went to the bathroom, go figure. The point of telling this was that while I was in the bathroom, Paige brought me her beef tendon. I laughed so hard so I thought I would share it with you. I figured, since it was already so late in the morning, Paige probably had to pee like crazy. I put the leash on and then remembered to grab a movie that I wanted to return. While grabbing the movie, Paige grabbed her tendon. When I told her that she couldn't take it outside, she lied down to chew on it and wouldn't move. Fine. Leash off and ate breakfast instead. Significantly later, we finally went out. Marni came over to train Paige with me. Once she left, I fell down a bad hill. On the car ride over to the inlaws, I started to mark. Marking is similar to cutting except that you don't actually brake skin. For me, I use my thumb nail again the inside of my arm. I know that healthy people don't understand this, but in this state it actually feels good. It's like a release. I would offer to post a picture of my arm, but already the marks are fading and I don't think a camera would pick them up. Paige has been working overtime tonight. She's practically glued to my side and won't let me out of her sight. I can't explain the work that Paige is doing but understand that it's important.

It's not a feeling where I need to do something drastic but it seems to be climbing closer that way. I have more stuff to discuss with my therapist on Tuesday.

Everybody hears the word suicide and panics. Please don't. You'll loose the informational message of this post. If you did panic, please calm down and then read this again.

My brain is fried by the tireds. I need to stop writing. If you have any questions, please leave them in the comments. I want this to be an honest discussion.

Hope Heels

I've been waiting and waiting and waiting to make this announcement. I haven't received any direct "go ahead" yet but I think this is far enough along to make a decision for myself.

There is now an organization in my area, Hope Heels (referred to as HH), that is going to help people train PSDs like Paige. It is an organization composed of psychologists, dog trainers (here in referred to as coaches) and administrative people. So far, everybody is working on a volunteer basis. There isn't any real amount of money yet to run the program. Paige and I are playing a unique role in the beginning of this project. Paige and I are the test team. We advise as to what it is like to truly live with a MI and work with a SD. I also help out where I can with other stuff. Things like we're going to be at a lot of the public fundraising/publicity things.

For more info on HH see their site.

More sleep needed

There is something wrong with me; so far, cause unknown. For the last few days, all I've wanted to do is sleep! Like 16+ hours of sleep in each day. This is crazy. Nobody truly needs this much sleep for nearly a straight week! But I can't stay awake. Today I went to school early for class because I was going to fall asleep if I stayed at home. I know I won't sleep in public so out the door I went. I'm having trouble paying any attention in class. I'm having trouble reading. I can get 2 or 3 pages and then the words stop making sense. Get up, do something, try to read again. But all I want to do is sleep. This isn't good or normal. It's kind of scary. I hope we can figure this out. I went for blood work today. My doctor had ordered it a while ago but I was having trouble getting around to it. I needed to do it first thing in the morning because it was one of those tests that I needed to fast for 12 hours before hand. For me, that means I need to be the first person in the lab in the morning. Trying to get that fitted in my schedule has been difficult. But I'm hoping that something shows up in the lab report. Going to call my doctor and set up an appointment for next week. Does anybody know how long it takes for lab work to get back to the doctors office? I'm hoping that this is something simple like a thyroid that has gone out or a small case of iron deficiency. Here's hoping.