Reiki

I've been trying to treat my symptoms in a holistic, natural way. Paige is a natural way to help modify my symptoms. I'm also doing Reiki on a (not so) regular basis. Reiki is a form of guided meditation. I find it very calming, refreshing, and centering. It helps with the god offal headaches that I get and with the tension that I carry in my body. When I'm not so tense and stressed, I find that I don't have symptoms that are as dramatic. Some people will go "Yeah right" and blame the placebo effect. If it can get me off of my chemical cocktail eventually, bring on the placebo effect. All I really want is to eventually be off the meds or even to have them greatly reduced. My next appointment is 3 weeks from now. Let's hope that in doing them more regularly, I get an even greater benefit from them.

Everybody knows my name...

Lassie!!!

No... I'm Paige.

Can't you see we're completely different.

Yet everybody (children, seniors, adults, homeless people) mistake me for that dog.

We cheated

I cheated yesterday. I was over at a friend’s house and we walked over to the Italian center for a treat. I had Paige with me but didn’t want to leave her behind. Since I had her vest in my purse, I stuck it on her and we went into the store. And she did so good. I'll admit that I had a treat hanging in front of her nose the entire time to help her keep her attention. I only had to tell her "leave it" a couple of times. We were only in there for 10 minutes and we had to leave before my friends were done looking around because she was starting to show that she had enough but she did so good. I was such a proud puppy mommy.

It was a cheat because we haven't done any actual public access training. I apologize to my trainers.

3-in-1

To try and save the poor publish button in blogger, I've decided to put 3 posts together into this one. I don't think any one of them is very big.

Coming out

On Wednesday in my human sexuality class we had a number of guest speakers come in. One of whom was a gay guy who described his process of coming out. First he had to come out to himself. Realize that he liked other guys and that it was okay. Then he had to come out to his family and friends, those who were close to him. He told him Mom first and she wasn't surprised. But it was a nerve racking experience for him. He promised himself he would do it before he went back to school at the end of summer that year. On the very last day before school started, he told his Mom as they were driving home from a lunch date. And, last but not least, he came out publicly. Now he lives as an openly gay man. He holds his partner's hand while on the street and doesn't care who sees. I admire his courage and self confidence.

As he's telling this story, I realized that it isn't that different than my bp journey.

First I had to come to acceptance of it myself. This took a long time. There was figuring out what it meant, that it's not going to go away, that I'm probably going to be on meds for the rest of my life, and so on. I'm still in this stage. Now I'm learning what the symptoms are and how they may truely affect my life. Prior to now, I always saw it as "take the meds and I'll be normal". I would have a bad day and I would get so frustrated that I wasn't being 'normal'. Now, through talking with mental health professionals, I'm realizing that there are going to be good days and bad days - lately more bad then good but mostly due to side effects - and that I was going to have to actually, actively reach out to my support network to make it through these days.

Second, I came out to my friends and family. They have all known since the diagnosis but it's only recently that any of them are really reaching out to understand and accept what this means for me, and for them by extension. The questions have been outstanding. The love has been huge. Only as this happened, have I realized that I was hiding part of who I was from everybody I loved. It feels so good to be open with them now.

Third, I'm coming out publicly. This step is just starting for me. The biggest jump in this direction is going to be hitting the streets with Paige in her vest. I can't wait. I know that there are going to be a lot of questions from everybody we meet but I'm ready for them, I think. I want to do public speaking in the future to educate people on what mental illness really is and that it isn't the end of life for any of us when we get diagnoised. I'm not going to be ashamed that I'm bipolar any more than that I have brown hair. I'm not going to let the stigma get to me. I'm ill so I shouldn't be able to achieve anything. Wrong. I am powerful. Hear me roar. And I'm going to roar just a little bit louder when Paige is at my side. I can't wait.

Follow the leader

I've found another task that Paige can help me in. She can act as my sometimes guide dog. Lately, my meds have made me really dizzy with blinding headaches. The other night I had a headache and the ground wouldn't stay still under me but I had to take Paige out anyway. So out we went. I was trying to watch where I was going but I was still stumbling side to side a little bit as my sense of balance rolled around. Paige took action. She walked out in front of me so that her leash was tight and took the lead. Not in a dominate, "we're going this way" type of thing. More as in a "Mom, follow me and I'll keep you safe". I was able to relax and let my vision go a little bit fuzzy and knew I was going to be safe in doing so. After that, my headache relaxed some and my stress level dropped significantly and we really enjoyed our walk. Paige kept me safe, although I had to still watch for cars, curbs and such, and got us home easily. Good girl.

Please pick

I'm trying to figure out what to do with Paige's vest. This is the vest currently. The "white" strip at the bottom is a light reflective material. It reflected the camera flash. This is one side of the vest. The other is identical.

I'm thinking that I will replace the "In Training" rockers with "Service Dog" rockers when she's done training.

I wanted some opinions as to what I should put on the back of the vest. These are the two badges that I've been thinking about: (there is only room for one of these options)

Which do you think would be more effective in a public relations fashion? Thanks for the input. (Even those who aren't officially listed as followers should leave me a comment on this one)

And one quick update:

I saw my doctor yesterday. He thinks we may have pushed the stabilizer a little bit too high since my moods are feeling dead and I'm getting such bad side effects. He also agreed when I asked if I should see a psychiatrist. He gave me phone numbers to a couple of the local intake clinics. I'm hoping that I can get in quickly because I'm as sick of the dizziness now as I was of the mood swings.

Thank you for making it to the end of this post. 3-in-1 is actually kind of long

Ovariohysterectomy

Paige got spayed yesterday. Poor thing. She is offially unhappy about it. Even more unhappy that I won't let her lick the incision and that she gets to wear a cone when I'm not watching her.

I dropped her off at the vet's in the morning yesterday. She was so excited. She got to go for a car ride first thing in the morning and she saw that I had all my stuff for the day with me. So she was happy to go into the vets. She knew it as a place where she got a lot of pets and treats. So she was grinning ear to ear, tail going as the vet tech led her into the back. I felt mildly violated as she led my puppy away. I've gotten used to the idea that Paige is going to be with me all the time as a service dog. It breaks my heart to have to leave her at home right now. But somebody else taking her away really felt... I don't know how to explain it. They may as well have been stealing my purse. I knew that the feeling was all in my head and that they were going to take excellent care of her but I still felt like a little bit of me was going stolen.

I didn't get to go and pick Paige up because I had to work. Nick did it for me so I can't provide an accurate description of what happened. From what I gather from him: Paige wanted to get as far away from that place as quickly as she could. She was at the end of her leash, headed for the door. She had some trouble getting into and out of the back seat of the car (we have the seats laid down so it's really a flat surface that includes the trunk as well - it's a hatchback. The frame of the door and such act as steps for her to get in so she never has to do anything too athletic). At home, they got part way up the stairs out of the parkade prior to either of them realizing that stairs weren't such a good idea. But they made it up. He got Paiged settled and tried to let her sleep.

When I got home:

Mom: I hurt and they made me look funny.

It's even more embarrassing outside.

There, that's better. Let's go for a short walk and a bathroom break.

Look what they did to me.

Sunday update:

Paige is healing up great. Still itchy and has to wear her cone when she's not supervised but she has her spunk back. Another week and a half and we'll go back to that offal place to get the stitches out.

To Leanne and Rosie:

This is a post specifically directed at one of my readers and her service dog. I want to be your pen pal. I want a chance to get to learn from your personal experiences while dealing with your psych dog.

Please click on my profile and email me. I tried to email you but I think it went through to West Coast Assistance.

Pets in the Park

This year Paige and I are going to participate in the Edmonton Humane Societies big fundraiser. If you would like to sponsor us, please visit our fundraising page here or contact me directly if you would rather send a check. This is a good cause as it's going to help less fortunate animals find their furever homes. A big, slobbery thank you in advance for any who have a few dollars to donate.

*Anything over $10 is eligible for a tax receipt. The accountant in me says this will help with your refund :)

Where to sit

I've been taking the bus to my accounting class that I'm doing this summer. Since my schedule is so busy crazy, I figure that Nick should have access to his car and volunteered to take the bus. Before you know it, Paige is going to be able to take the bus with me. I can't wait. In the mean time, I'm trying to train myself to sit in the seats that are designated for use by service dog users and other people with mobility limitations. Usually I sit at the back of the bus where I can see both doors and most of the people. Sitting at the front in the special seats is a little bit stressful but I keep reminding myself that Paige is going to be doing this with me soon and these seats need to be our routine. Typically, those with service dogs sit so that they are travelling sideways with the dogs underneath the seat. I've tried that a few times and I get sick to my stomach on the days where I'm already feeling a little bit dizzy. I think we're going to have to train Paige to use the ones that face forward because that is easier on me. These seats are open underneath to the seats behind them. Because I don't want anybody kicking my dog, I think I would like to have her trained to sit between my legs in front of me. I'll have to talk it over with my trainer.

Meet the doctor

Paige and Marissa had a vet appointment today. It was a family affair. Marissa for her annual and vaccine update. Paige for her pre-op consultation.

Paige behaved like an angel while we were there, for the most part. She, of course, had a few turkey moments. And who wouldn't in a place that smell like so many different animals. There was even one dog that we met. For the most part, she lounged on the floor and kept an eye on me. She knew that I had the package of training treats in my bag. I wish I had taken my camera so I could share the sights with all of you. I not only didn't take my camera, I forgot to take my daytimer.

The facts:

Weight: 54lbs give or take a little. She hopped right on the scale and even lay down there while we did Marissa's exam. I never told her to get off so she stayed. Good girl.

Teeth: I better be brushing them everyday and feeding dental treats because they do have some build up on them and we don't want it to get any worse.

Paige's spay appointment is scheduled for Thursday right now. As the sale transaction isn't totally complete, I sent an email to the breeder to confirm that it would be alright by her to go ahead with the surgery this quickly. The contract has been signed, the dog has traded hands, but the check hasn't cleared my bank account yet so I'm not sure who technically owns Paige. I figured it would be better to send a quick email than to leave somebody feeling like they got their toes stepped on.

I was proud of Marissa too. We made it all the way to the vets and home again before she puked. Marissa doesn't do well with cars so this is a big deal for her. That or it's a compliment on how smoothly I was driving the standard today. She wouldn't have puked at all except for the fact that we had to make a detour because there was a truck that tried to go under a bridge that was too short and got it's top ripped off. Just as we were pulling into our parking space at the apartment she started heaving. I tried to convince her to swallow it but it wasn't meant to be. But by the standards of previous car rides, it was a tiny amount. Good on you girl.

In other news:

As of today, I've had Paige for 4 weeks. And what a happy puppy parent I am.

I'm slowly balancing out after my med miss last week. I'm still getting some pretty good headaches and am dizzy quite a bit of the time but it's getting better. I'm also really tired but that could be the heat at the moment. I don't do well with heat.

I met with Lacey yesterday. Lacey is Nicole's assistant. I'm not sure if that is exactly the correct term but it is what she does. We went over who Paige was and what were her strengths and weaknesses and some of the tasks that I would like trained. I couldn't remember them all, so I sent her an email with the full list today.

Excerpt from email:

· Waking me up in the morning

o I’m thinking turning on a lamp and then persistently nosing wind chimes. – I have to find both of these objects first.

· Remind me to take my meds

o Bring me my pill case. I keep it in my purse so that it is always on me. I take the pills with breakfast and supper.

· Remind me to feed the cats when I feed her

o Lead me to pick up their bowl prior to picking up hers.

· Panic/anxiety

o Accompany me in public and provide a focus for when the anxiety happens. Maybe nosing my hand or something to remind me that she is there for me to focus on.

· Crowd control

o Crowds can create anxiety for me. I would like for her to be able to lead me towards a less crowded area when I need a break. Eg. To a bench against a wall or even towards a wall where people usually aren’t so close together.

· Say Hi

o Have Paige walk about 2 feet in front of me and then stand between me and who ever she is saying hi to.

· Go Play

o Have a cue for her to know that it is okay to go and say hello to other dogs. I would like her to ignore other dogs if there is no cue given.

· Agitation

o Alert me for when I’m getting agitated. I would like for her to lay her head in my lap and stay there so I can pet her for calmness. If I can’t remain calm, I would like for her to cue me to leave the situation

· Dissociation

o I ‘zone out’ and would like for her to alert me to this

· Hug

o I would like for her to be able to put her paws in my lap and be willing to stand there for a few minutes at a time so that I can hug her when I need it

· Depression

o On days where I don’t feel like doing anything, I would like for her to bring me her leash.

· Spatial awareness

o I get dizzy spells from my meds, not so bad that I can’t function but sometimes I’m not quite sure that the floor is underneath me correctly. I would like to use her at these times to have a reference point so I can navigate obstacles such as stairs.

· Public access – including but not limited to:

o Public transit

o Shopping malls/grocery stores

o Office settings – I’m in school to be an accountant

o Football games – Eskimos

o Concerts? I’m not sure if this is an appropriate venue for an SD

o Swimming pools – Paige lies and waits in the corner while I swim. Again, not sure how this would work although Kristine says it can be done.

o Classroom setting – I have one more year of full time school left and then some part time classes thereafter as I’m getting my designation

·

I missed

And I've been doing so good.

One of the hardest, and most stressful, things about being bipolar is the medication. It puts you up, it puts you down, it gives you side effects, and onwards. The worst, though, is the dependency you form and the fall out if it's disrupted.

I screwed up in taking my meds on Thursday. Typically I take it with breakfast and supper. They go down better with food. Thursday morning: I got up and fed and walked Paige as I've done every morning since I've gotten her. I went and lied down with Nick for a bit since he was still in bed when we got back. I love cuddling with him. When he got up, he asked if I was getting up. I said that our bed was too comfy, and it really is. I ended up falling back to sleep. I ended up sleeping till Noon. So that put my pill really late. Oops! Not the end of the world.

On Friday, I took Paige on a monster walk. We went in such a way that we crossed two bridges across the river. Paige did excellent. No problems when the train went overhead on the one or with the heavy traffic on the other. Me on the other hand: my head was just spinning on them. I don't always do well with bridges but this was beyond normal. Prior to that, I also almost tipped down a flight of wooden stairs that we were walking on in the river valley. In both cases, I just kept thinking "stay upright and keep your feet going." It was rough.

I went to grab my supper pills last night and noticed something that was not good news: I never took my Thursday supper pills! OMG. So I had one dose that day, at noon. No wonder I was having problems.

Today's problems have been even worse. I got up and fed Paige this morning and took her down. When we were walking I was spooking at every shadow and jumping at every sound, and it was a beautiful, sunny morning. But Paige was there every time. She would glance around and then look at me as if to tell me it was okay. But we kept it brief. I had a glass of milk, a piece of toast, my morning pills and went back to bed. I just wanted to sleep. I finally got moving at about 11 today. When I woke up, Paige was lying right beside my bed. Got up. Kiss Nick. Kiss the cats. More to eat. Watch TV. Advil for the migraine that was growing. And Paige followed me room to room and wouldn't let me out of her sight. Good girl. Even when I went for a bath, she lied right in front of the tub. I had to convince her to move because I couldn't get out. Silly girl.

I went for a walk with her because I knew that she needed it. Turns out it didn't hurt me either (other than when a really loud motorcycle went past - my poor head). And Paige was so good. She put up with my slow, stumbling pace. She was fabulous, even we when we got mobbed by a whole group of girl guides. And wouldn't you know it: nobody notices how I look because Paige is steeling the show. It's a good thing because I wasn't carrying how I looked today. I never even did my hair.

I'm so thankful that I have Paige here to help me out today. I know she isn't doing anything but lying on the floor. But that's lots. I need to teach her to fetch my pills for me. Then to do it twice a day because that's what we need. :)

My other major defect today is that my brain feels like it's trying to run on really thick syrup. Everything is slow and I'm having trouble holding onto thoughts. I hope this article isn't too badly muddled because I'm hitting publish

Clicker walking

I'm trying to change slightly where Paige is walking with me. She is already a pro of the loose leash walk but I would like her to walk where her nose is even-ish with my leg. Right now her shoulder or ribs are. I've tried to do this by the classic method: correct and correct and correct until it happens. And honestly, it's not working. So I figured I would try to do it with a clicker. So this morning I grabbed the clicker and the bait bag. Because training takes some time, even with a dog as smart as Paige, we'll have to report back on how this is going.

I figure while we're doing this we can also work on sitting automatically when we stop. This is a fairly different task so it should be okay to train at the same time. Once I have her walking where I want, we're going to clicker ignoring other dogs. Right now she wants to see everybody and she is driving me nuts because there are a lot of dogs in our neighbourhood. But this is going to have to wait because I don't want to be sending mixed messages, or too many, while we're getting the positioning thing down.

3 weeks and I'm totally convinced that the old training methods don't work. Especially when she learned "touch" over breakfast one morning. And it was perfect the next morning! Reinforcement it is.

Wake up Mom!

One of the tasks that I'm training Paige for is to be waking me up in the morning. To assist with her desire to do this, I feed her as soon as I get up in the morning. Food is a great motivator. This, happily, is a task that she is picking up almost by herself. This morning she was pacing around, grunting at me to try and convince me to get up. When that wasn't working, she started putting her paws up on the bed (it's too tall for her to jump up on) and going for my face. Yuck, Dog kisses! And then she would go and wait for a moment and then it would start again. When I finally got up, she stood there staring at me, as if to say "hurry up", while I was getting dressed. Then the routine has two more stops before breakfast. I need a bathroom break and the cat's need to be fed. Then there are kibbles. If I have time, we do some task training over breakfast or I sit with her. This morning, needless to say, it was bowl on the floor while I went and did my hair.

I'm going to teach Paige to turn on a lamp in the morning when the alarm goes off to help signal me to wake up and then to bug me until I get up. I may even teach her to pull the blankets off once I'm awake to help convince me out of bed. Once I'm awake being the operative idea. I hate getting woken up by this. Although, a puppy smile might get her forgiven. First, I need to find a lamp that she can turn on.

Cat Update

Just thought I would drop a quick update about the cats and Paige since I haven't talked about that in a while. The cats are hugging me and seeking out my attention again. This is really good because they were barely talking to me for a while there.

The other day I was lying with Sam on the couch and Paige wondered over. I guess she wanted to be part of the fun because she started to lick Sam's face. Sam gives me a look that said "Why are you letting her do this? I hate you" but sat there for 3 or 4 licks. I laughed so hard at him. Nick had a good laugh too when I told him.

And Marissa will sit right next to her, so long as Paige doesn't look at her. LOL. Marissa will also sleep on Paige's beds if Paige isn't there. Can you blame her? They are that fake sheep skin stuff. Marissa slept on them constantly from when they came into the house until Page came into the house.

The cats are chasing each other around the house again. This too is good to see. It means that life is returning to normal for them. But the game is over as soon as Page asks if she can play too.

Silly cats.

From the breeders mouth

I've talked with the breeder and wanted to share what she has shared with me about Paige's history.

Paige was born here at Cherfire. Her litter was created to better genetic health in this breed, and to help keep the family line that was so important for health. Paige was the smallest puppy in the litter that lived, her littlest sister died at one day old. Paige was bottle fed, and became my favorite puppy. The litter was evaluated for service dog abilities, and as I wanted to keep Paige to make healthy collies for Cherfire, her sister Party was donated to West Coast Assistance Teams to be trained through their PAWS program, and become a certified service dog!

Paige and her brother Teddy travelled everywhere with me, including a journey for part of a year to Ohio! We travelled to dog shows, and she was my dearest friend. She was well socialized, and well travelled, and became a Champion at a very young age. She also embarked on her obedience training early, and went herding at 7 months of age, easily achieving her instinct test!

A dear friend of mine that owned one of my healthy boys, asked if she could lease Paige for her first litter. I agreed to let her go live with my friend Joyce, so that she would work on her obedience training and St. John's Ambulance therapy certification, and she would produce a wonderful first litter for Joyce. Paige had 4 beautiful babies. I didnt keep any of her babies from that litter, as I thought she would have a litter for me when she returned home, so they were all placed in happy homes with wonderful families, who very much appreciate the health guarantees they were afforded with those babies.

Paige lived one year with Joyce, and then came home to me. I tried to breed her here for almost 2 years, with no luck in having a litter. Paige wanted her own family, and I felt that she really needed to work for someone, and truly shine doing something she loved. I tried one last time to breed her, and took her to my friend Davids home outside of Edmonton to breed to a lovely stud dog there. Unfortunately it was not in the cards for Paige to make more healthy babies, so I never did get a puppy to replace her, but I chose not to waste another year of her life waiting for her to possibly have babies, but offer her to someone where she could make someone's life better. I love Paige, and wanted to do what was best for HER....so I let her come to you, to be on trial to assist you. I am VERY happy that she will have a wonderful home, and be loved and useful to you.

She's wet but she's happy

Paige post bath. Her hair gets so crimpy when wet. I just thought that I'd share.

PS. I've been miss spelling her name so far. It's Paige, not Page

Who cares about the stigma

I started my spring semester classes today. My evening class is "human sexuality". It's going to be a great class... except for today. As I was walking to class, I was trying to figure out what room I should be in and had to examine my schedule many times to figure out that we were supposed to be in one room on Mondays and another on Wednesdays. For any who are keeping track, today is Wednesday. That means I missed the first class which was held on Monday. Missed it entirely. And then I remembered that since it's a compressed class, I missed 3 hours of lecture. In a class at a normal pace, this is equivalent of missing a whole week worth of classes. Okay. Not the end of world. I'll get the syllabus and get caught up. There is a big group project in this classes. We have to explore a topic in sexuality. Okay. We have to do an interview on the topic with somebody in the city. Adding to the stress a little bit. And since everybody made it to Monday's class, I'm now in a group with 2 guys who also didn't have a group. The end of the world is coming. My anxiety levels went through the roof. It took all of my power to focus on the lecture. But focusing was good because it didn't give me a chance to break down. At the time, my opinion was "I need my dog and I don't care who sees". Now I'm home, I've patted Page and taken her down for her pre-bedtime trip, and have had a moment to relax. I'm still shaking but am not stretched quite as tight.

Page, some kids, a bull, a horse, and a pole.

This stuff is getting a little bit old now but I wanted to post it anyway just to document our adventures. I'm getting caught up now that I've managed to find my key board again. I've just been so busy.

I was walking Page in one of the green spaces by my place when we were approached by some kids. The oldest of them was no more than 6. And at first, their mother was no where to be seen. Okay. Have to deal with the moment. I wasn't sure how Page was going to be with them. So I got her to sit while the oldest boldly approached. She asked if Page was friendly; good child. So I invited her to pat Page. Then she called her brothers over. And they surrounded Page. Yikes! When the mother did finally come over, she was no help at all. Even when I said that Page and I should get going, she didn't herd her children away. OMG: Note to all parents: Don't let your children do what ever they want without any regard for other people's space. Page eventually backed inbetween my legs to stand behind me. I think she had enough. So we went. We wondered around the park some more and the little girl kept appearing at our side. What was her mother doing?!? But over all, Page did very well and I was quite pleased with her.

There are statues of a horse and a bull near my house, on the busy street. We were going to cross the street at the corner near the bull and I never even thought of them. When we stopped at the corner to wait for the light, Page looked around and jumped sideways so that she was facing the bull. I figured that this was going to be a good exposure activity so I took advantage of it. Slowly (very slowly as we got closer), I got Page to approach the bull. With lots of encouragement, pats and "good girl"s (my treat bag was at home), I got her within a couple of feet of the bull. I figured since we were there, I would try the horse that was up the street as well. I had approached this one from behind. Page smelled its hock and ducked right away. I tried so hard not to laugh. It looks like Page's livestock instincts are just fine. But she approached it again right away and smelled it's leg, tail, belly, nose and even wagged her tail at it.

I took her back past these statues again a few days later. We approached from the opposite direction so we met the horse first, head on. She was a little bit more hesitant to approach the horse from this angle. When we approached the bull from the rear, she walked right up and smelt its tail. Silly doggy. I'm hoping to post pictures of her sitting in front of these statues soon, as soon as I can convince her to sit in front of them. :)

In other new experiences, I have pole danced for a number of years. I was playing around on my pole the other day and Page was so curious as to what I was doing that I kept nearly tripping over her. Hopefully it won't be such a shock in the future. Some people are super shocked that I talk about pole dancing so easily and openly. I think the main topic of this blog (Bipolar and PSDs) are way more controversial than pole dancing is. For those of you who may not believe that I have a pole in my house:

Trouble going

I know that I used to post so regularly. And a lot of it was real and honest at the moment that it was written. And now I'm faced with the daunting task of reviewing and possibly rewriting many of my entries. We want this blog to reflect everything in the best light. I want to use this blog to encourage the acceptance of psych dogs into main stream society. I'm a guinea pig but I want it to become real and legit. I want to help it become something that is supported by government and society at large. There is so many hopes that I have for this topic. But I'm having trouble writing because I'm scared that I'm going to write it wrong. I don't want to have to go back anymore after this and rewrite stuff. To change my original words. My brain and heart feel different now then they did when the incident happened. What if I can't remember it correctly? What if in rewriting it, I change or destroy the impact that the day had on me? This is about my growth as well as Page's journey. I feel paralyzed. The fear of destroying keeps me from rewriting and the fear of being told that what I wrote isn't in the best light keeps me from portraying our new challenges and accomplishments. These are supposed to be my words and I feel like they are being doctored. I understand why they need to be doctored but I don't want to. I want to tell the truth as I see it. And I want to document the way I see the truth on that day. Some days my truth is very skewed from reality. I want to show this because I think it is being true about my mental illness.